I love you more today...

I want to meet the person who made it through the first two years BEFORE the adjective "terrible" came to mind. Personally, I believe I am trying to survive the " I'll show you lady - how about terrorizing, traumatic, testing all before 2" phase. I have said before how we breezed through the first year. Months 12-18 were mildly interesting. I am finding 18-24 months to be incredibly difficult.

One moment, I am confronted with a sweet, docile, toddling, babbling boy who is so in love with the world around him. The next day, I'm furiously googling for a therapist who will take patients who are babies 'cause I am CONVINCED he needs one! Yesterday was a bad day. He came home from Christmas festivities with his dad and his family. I had to get him out of bed well before 7 am, took about a 30 minute nap, and probably had a lot of excitement. By 3pm when we got home, I was left with a volatile child - frustrated with his own exhaustion and unable to control his emotions (not that he has much control of them under normal circumstances). At one point, he was throwing such a screaming tantrum, my neighbors came over to see if I was okay. My neighbor said she was worried from his crying he hurt himself (she knows about our bone disease) but she said when I answered the door - she could tell by the look on my face that HE was fine and I was the one suffering. When he finally went to bed (early, at 6:40pm) I collapsed on the couch, mentally and physically exhausted.

Its hard to let a day like that go, but you have to. You can't wake the next day, pissed at a toddler. You can't begin the day dreading a repeat performance. But its not easy. It seems bizarre that I consciously have to "let it go", but I do. Maybe its because I do this job alone, and no one else is here to bear the brunt of any tantrums or bad days - its always me. After a rough day, I just take a few minutes to be pissy about it, then its done. After a rough day, I always make it a point to find something new to love about him. Today, I had to find two things, because he really drove me crazy yesterday :-)

So, here it is - you screamed until your head nearly exploded and kicked your feet on the floor yesterday - but I love you more today because....

1) You knock on the wall and say "mama...mama..." in the morning when you wake up instead of crying to get out of your crib.

2) When we read together, you always snuggle your little head against mine in the exact same spot.

Love ya peanut!

Blizzard 09

I wish I could say "can't believe its been so long since I posted" but I believe it. I'm not the least bit surprised at myself. Things have sort of been one little tornado after another. Nothing life-altering, just enough to keep me running, then time to catch my breath to only run some more. Still waiting for the tornado that will actually sweep us (condo and all!) off to Oz!

D and I just rode out a different sort of a storm - the DC blizzard of '09! I was so swamped with work, I didn't even know there was going to be flurries, let alone a crippling storm until the morning of! It started around 9pm on Friday, and stopped snowing early Sunday - leaving about 22" of snow behind. We woke up Saturday to near whiteout conditions. After a big breakfast and some playtime, D showed interest in investigating this white stuff. I started shoving him into layers (think Christmas story) and forced upon him the size 2T-5T mittens and hat that completely eclipsed his vision unless I tugged up on the top.

At first, he loved the snow drifts and flakes - this was because we live on the 2nd story of 3 story garden-style building. He was getting the best of both worlds - the blizzard, snow drifts, and a roof. Our steps were treacherous - so I threw our sled down, then carried him down. He walked out into the snow...gave it a few seconds of contemplation, then screamed as if being stabbed by ever little flake. It was pretty funny. He ran for cover, re-evaluated the situation, gathered some courage and went back out to continue his investigation. He was so cute - kept looking at me and yelling "ma! Ma! MA!" pointing around to make sure I was seeing what he was seeing. Then "ma? Ma? MA?!?!" wanting an explanation - a word. I told him again it was "snow", which of course comes out his mouth "no".

He spent a few minutes visiting my neighbors who were out - pointing and yelling "no" in case they needed an explanation of the white stuff. He got pretty irritated when he saw our car buried. "uh oh" "UH OH" I assured him it was okay, and he shuffled off to go back up to the comfort of playing in the snow piles under our roof.

We ventured out to play on Sunday - which was nice for him since the snowfall had stopped, and there was a narrow path on our sidewalk with the snow on each side nearly up to his chest. Armed with his beach bucket and tools, he "helped" dig out our car until he deemed a nap to be the better option while my friend and I finished the chore.

Oh, and if you're wondering how our sledding adventure went - it didn't. I forgot he has been afraid of it since he peed in it a few weeks ago. (we were air drying a little diaper rash!)

6 months and counting

I mentioned early that my friend Gayle (of Oprah and Gayle fame) told me that every other year is a good one with young kids, and you just learn to love them in between. For a few days, I thought I was off the hook! I thought we were on a 6 month rotation - but alas, we are not.

We had about 9 days of AH-MAY-ZING baby behavior. So sweet! So pleasant, so fun! He was starting to say please and thank you and was transitioning so well between playtime, clean up time, time to leave, time to eat... Those days have come to a screeching halt, and I am back to counting the days until he turns two. I swear, I am looking forward to the 'terrible twos' - anything to get me out of the 'my child is a crazed, flesh eating, tantrum throwing, impatient, and self centered' one a half year old phase.

Within the span of three days, he learned "mine". He started saying "no". He started saying "no, mine!" in glorious harmony. He has gotten rougher with his little buddy at daycare, and his tantrums have gotten very physical, very abrupt, angry, and frequent. Today, I felt like a complete and utter failure as a mother. I picked him up from daycare and he flew into a total rage. Nothing helped (distractions, force, tricks, toys...). There was biting, kicking, thrashing, and clinging to the car. If I wasn't on my way BACK to work, I wold have cried my eyes out with him.

Im not sure where we are going wrong. I am consistent. I do not give in to his tantrums (every book says they will lessen if the child doesn't get his way). I also pick my battles. However, the battle to leave daycare is non-negotiable. The battle to not hit or bite me is non-negotiable. I am sick of the 'its a normal phase' crap too. I know that, but it still has to get under control.

So, here I am, getting ready to dive into my three favorite parenting books - "The Everything Guide to Tantrums", "What to Expect, the Toddler Years", and "the complete single parent". I have decided to attack it this time like a teacher ;-) I am making making note cards to laminate. I shall put my parenting tips and tools on paper! I shall carry them with me to study at red lights! And, the next time he terrorizes me at Target, and I can look down at my note cards and remember that leaving him in the display of pack and plays will not, in the long run, be effective.

I think my first note card with address the no sharing issue. The front will read:

Your child is egocentric, self-centered, and impulsive. Congrats - he's developing normally.

The back will list all the techniques for dealing with that (when I figure it out!).

My next card will be my friendly "naughty corner" tips from Supernanny (although, thanks to repetition, I pretty much have that down, and thank goodness its still pretty effective!)

I will continue my cards, and hopefully keep my sanity! I know tomorrow, for at least the first 10 minutes of the day, when in his eyes, I can do no wrong, I will not be an epic failure of a mom.