Get me a camera crew...

Grab some coffee or cocoa, and settle in for this one! If you are very close to me (or related...even better!) you will appreciate this the most. However, if you are not, you will still enjoy this tale. This true, yet bizarre tale.

The title comes from a phrase my cousin Davey and I were constantly shouting two years ago. I was not yet a mama, and I was going through a rough time. Davey lived in the same town as me, and took it upon himself to drag me through this rough patch - creating the TRUE makings of reality television along the way. We had ambitions of being the next Anna Nicole show, sans drugs and fake boobies. In fact, I bought a video camera and we did document one of our big adventures during Spring Break. Since then I haven't often thought of my life as the type of drama you would see on FOX, but today, I kept thinking - "Get me a camera crew, because THIS is reality".

Let's set the scene. My mom, and her husband Bob were visiting from PA. This is especially fun because my father (as in, my mom's ex-husband) lives with me. Oh yeah, and my dad is weird. Very, very, weird. My mom, Bob, the baby, and I went out to get some lunch. We came home, and I went in to the house with the baby so I could have a free hand to help them into the house.
I hear this alarm-like beeping. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, pause. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, pause. Its sort of like the smoke alarms, but it seems to be coming from - the kitchen pantry?

I plop the baby in his play yard and begin my investigation. There, behind some cookbooks and my George Foreman Grill is a beeping Carbon Monoxide detector. I bought it in college when I moved into a townhouse with gas heat. I never had gas ANYTHING and I was convinced that every time I had a headache, I was dying of carbon monoxide poisoning. I attached it directly to the furnace in my first place :) When I moved, I was pissed off that we had to leave the washer and dryer, so I ripped it off the furnace in retribution and just tossed it in the pantry 2 years ago. I know, I know, the pantry???

So its beeping. I look at the codes and 4 beeps with a pause reads as follows:
"CO alarm. Leave the house. Get fresh air. Call 911"

I couldn't believe it. I pushed reset. 4 beeps and a pause. I still don't believe it. I check the code for battery. Green light and one beep. Shoot. I have a red light and four beeps. I look around for the really reliable CO detectors - my cats. There they were - perfectly alive. At this point, I still haven't decided what to do, but I knew I had to take the baby out. I took him out to the car for my mom and Bob to watch.

I decide to test the battery myself. So i took it out and stuck the 9 Volt on my tongue. Zap - it still had juice. I put the battery back in - BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP pause. Damn it! I decided that the rest of the directions fresh air, 911 blah blah blah were to extreme. I decided non emergency fire department would suffice. So I called, we chatted briefly. I told them about the living cats, and the 9 volt on my tongue (it retrospect, I think these were strange ways to justify my request for help....)

The nice fireman said to go outside, stay warm, yada yada. I reset the alarm one last time, and went in search of my dad. I found him, unfortunately. Shaving his face in his underwear with the door open. Cringe - I hate when he does that.

ME "Did you not hear that alarm"
DAD"Yeah"
ME "And...did you check it??? "
DAD "Well, it wasn't the smoke alarm, so, no"
ME "Its the CO alarm and I called the fireman and they said to get out. They're coming"
DAD (as he continues to shave, and not move) "OK"
ME (staring - cause he is not moving) "WELL GET OUT!"
DAD "yeah, yeah. Everybody's gotta die sometime"
ME "True, but your not dying in my house today. Get out."
DAD incoherent mumbling

Now that I have shuffled everyone out, I get that "unexpected company and the house is a mess panic". SHIT. Ughh. I really really hate that feeling. My mind is racing - "PRIORITIZE" I tell myself. I'm sure I have 10 minutes or less. I finally settle on the litter box. I'm sure they will have to go to the basement, and I didn't want it to smell like kitty poop. So, while the alarm is going off, and my entire family (mom, ex husband, new husband, and baby) are outside, I'm scooping poop and thinking what else I can do if I have time.

I decided that the litter box will have to suffice. I run out to check on the baby and I hear the fire engines.

"Oh my gosh! I can't believe they have the lights and sirens on!" I said. I felt like I had been perfectly clear that this wasn't an emergency...

My mom is laughing (and taking pictures) and I keep screaming how embarassed I am. The baby is loving it. Kicking his feet and squeeling.

The sirens get louder, and closer, and then they come around to my street. A ladder truck, another truck, and an ambulance - ALL WITH THE LIGHTS AND SIRENS ON. I'm mortified. My mom laughs harder, and takes more pictures on her camera phone. Now that the baby sees all the drama, he is absolutely enthralled.

I greet the fireman and we head towards the house. Then I see my dad. Leaning against the house, smoking.

ME "Don't smoke! What are you doing!?!?!?! Get away from the house - oxygen is flamable"
DAD "Nah CO isn't flamable"
FIREMAN "Um, sir, I believe she's reffering to the oxygen tank strapped to my back"
DAD Incoherent mubling again...shuffles off to his car.

He puts on his oxygen mask, and asks me to take him to my alarm. I look at him, waiting for my own puff of oxygen or something, but I just get the "ladies first" arm gesture. I show the fireman my alarm, and he confirms via radio to the guys outside we indeed have a positive alarm, but his sensor isn't beeping, so he removes the mask.

We start to walk through the house, and he says its okay for me to stay as long as HIS alarm doesn't start beeping. Suddenly BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP. I'm ready to run or for him to grab my arm and drag me out, but instead, he starts jumping up and down and sort of shaking his hips. "My personal alarm battery must be low". The tour went as follows. Walk, walk hop up and down to stop the alarm. Walk walk, hop up and down!!! Picture it, really...me and the hopping fireman. Jesus.

Now we are upstairs.

"Oh, the baby's room is cool," he says "You have a lot of room up here".

Whaaaa????? Glad you're enjoying the tour...find the CO leak asshole! Strange. This isn't the first time emergency personnel have commented on my house in times of crisis...

"Oh, you have upstairs laundry!? My girl friend would love that."

For REAL?!!? Is this happening? Its bad enough I'm leading this tour without a handy dandy oxygen tank, but, whatever- we can talk about my house!

We finish up the tour in the kitchen where I left the alarm sitting on the table, still beeping.

"Where do you keep this?" He asks.
"Oh, uh, I never put it up when we moved, i just let it sit here, by the recycling." Somehow, this seemed less lame than telling him I keep it behind the George Foreman.

After ripping apart my alarm again, the check battery light comes on, and the alarm stops. Doh! Doh! Doh!

"I did that too, you know. I even licked the battery." Great. I feel the urge to lie about where I keep it, but the words "I licked the battery" roll right out of my mouth.

He laughed a little and said not to worry, that it really was a "positive alarm". He assured me I would not be hauled off to jail or get yelled at by the fire chief on the other end of his radio. He then showered me with compliments for calling (and for NOT using 911). I even got a pat on the back for owning one of these alarms! He then did his civic duty and reviewed the symptoms of carbon monoxide poisoning - headache, naseau, vomitting, flushed complexion, passing out...

So we go outside, where I see my mom has a pulled a minor "Brittney Spears" move. They drove down the drive way so the baby could see the fire trucks up close. He was grinning ear to ear at the lights and bustle of the fireman diconnecting the hoses from the fire hyrdant.

I give some information to the fireman, apologize for about the 100th time, and see them out the door. I was less embarassed by the time they left, but when I list the major facts and characters - its deserving of a camera crew:

Dad, in underwear
Smoking + oxygen tank
The jumping fireman
Poop scooping
Pantry alarm
Lick the battery

PS - an hour later, at the grocery store, my mom is calling everyone in the state of PA to tell them the story while we're in line at the deli. The woman in front of me turns around and says "Oh! That was you guys? I heard the sirens and saw the ladder truck go past my house! I was wondering where they were going with the ladder truck!"